i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
