i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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