What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
