Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
