the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
