Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Dicks are not precious.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
