I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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