Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
