We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
