I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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