His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
