I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
