You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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