I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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