woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
