Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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