Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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