I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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