Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
