I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
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We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
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I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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