When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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