I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
