I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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