my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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