Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
