fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
