Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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