Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
