We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
