I wish I could teleport
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
