using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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