why didn't you poke me back
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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