arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
