By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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