I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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