woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
So here I am, sexting at work.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
