she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Is it because I queefed?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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