Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
