ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
