I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Randomize
