i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
