My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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