Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
