I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
