I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
this is an emotional support booty call
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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