it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
