I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
