he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
