Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
