How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
i believe in u and ur pee
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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