just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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