it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
