Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Randomize
