Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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