Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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