I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
