I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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